{She}

Its been awhile again, hasn't it?  There is so much I want to share and so much I need to spill.  Emotionally I am not ready to write about the loss, the pain, the heart wrenching grief of losing my grams.  I will share soon, very soon.  

Today I want to mark an anniversary of sorts.  I am a member of a club I never wanted to be part of, and it has been almost 6 years of loss and longing.  I thought I would share this poem I wrote a few months ago after a very vivid dream I had of a girl who I know was supposed to be ours.  It was one of those dreams that was so real, that when I woke up I could not make sense of where I was.  

She

I close my eyes and drift away...

There she is, waiting. Hands held out....for us.

Blonde curls, wide eyes, freckles like her daddy.

We walk along the sand, her, him, me.

She is ours, we are hers.

Sun glints, sandy feet, shells, laughter.

The perfect day.

No, don't wake.....not yet.

Please keep me here, if only for a few moments.

Then she is gone.

Longing, waiting....

All the tears, loss, blood, hoping.

She may only be made of stardust and dreams...

But she is ours, and we are hers.

Two very beautiful posts from women who are on their own journey of loss:

Sizzle Says..

Secret Rebel Club

A slow return

Hello dear souls.   This space has been very quiet for well over a month now.  As scared as I was to leave this space, it was a much needed break that my soul needed.  I was mostly afraid of the dear souls I have connected with in this space, would never return.  This space was started as a small spot for me to write down my feelings, and happenings, but I have formed some wonderful friendships along the way and I did not want to lose that.  I hope to see you all back here in time.  Thank you for everyones kind words on my last post way back in October, your words always bring me such comfort and Joy.  

The last month and a half have been so busy, but also quiet at just the right times.  I stepped back from a lot of social media, except for my dear Instagram (how I love you so!)

Mercury in retrograde along with familial happenings, left me feeling the need for quiet and space for myself and for my family.  During this time we welcomed a new family member with the birth of my sweet nephew Kaleb.  He is perfect, and squishy and just a ball full of love.  We are all head over heels in love with him. 

As much as I don't want to admit this, his birth is what sent me into a little bit of an emotional tailspin.   Whenever a new baby joins our clan of family and friends, it rips a small hole in my heart.  Not that they are not loved and welcomed beyond measure, because they are.  It just reminds me of the thing my husband and I long for most.    

During this same stretch of time, my beloved grams took a big downturn health-wise.  She has been on a steady decline for the last couple years, but this time I thought for sure we were going to lose her.  My mom moved in with her a couple years ago to help take care of her, but even with her being there and a steady stream of home health workers being there it just wasn't enough to provide her the kind of round the clock care she truly needs.  So with heavy hearts, the family decided to move her into a residential care facility.  It truly is a beautiful place with only four residents, and I love knowing that whenever she wants or needs something, someone is right there to take care of her.  Even though not having her home is heartbreaking.   

This was us a few years back.  She is the best person, with an insane sense of humor and the best laugh.  She taught me to read under a tree, she has seen me through heartbreak and the most wonderful times.  She has shaped me into a strong, independent, kind woman.  Without her I would be a much different person.  If you could take a moment to hold her in your thoughts, it would mean the world to me.  

Whew, that seems like an onslaught of sadness.  But just like everything the tides turn, and the shadows lift, and I start to feel like myself again.  I am here, the world is beautiful, and I am loved everyday.  And just like I know that dark feeling will come back, I know it will pass just as quickly.  I will make it through, just like we all do. 

There has been so much beauty these past few weeks as well, so much:

 Cozy, quiet nights spent at home with my beloved.

Cup after hot cup of tea.  Lindsay of Danmala has opened my eyes to so many new and exciting teas.  Not only different kinds, but new ways to enjoy and celebrate them.

Loads of family time.  I love them all so much.  This picture of my husband and nephew is going to be treasured forever.  

New stones and pendants discovered at a new to me local apothecary shop.  With the most insane, low prices.  This beauty was only $10!!

Lots of breakfasts at our favorite local french bakery, where the tea lattes are the size of my head.

Nights around the fire, one of my most favorite things about Autumn and Winter.

Cozy baby cuddles with baby K.  

 

Nieces and nephews who both turned three, and pinatas!!

An awesomely fun Halloween, and our annual haunted trail.

Connecting deeply with mama earth, and feeling her beauty and wonderment each day.

Sitting under my favorite tree, and finding sanctuary in our backyard.

Park time with our beautiful nieces.

Sunsets and sunrises of the holy variety.  These California skies have been filled with magic lately.  It is awe inspiring. 

This song on repeat from my favorite artist Laura Veirs:

I hope the last few weeks have been kind to you all.  I cannot wait to catch up with all of you in the blog world. xoxo

The Journey

The Journey

 One day you finally knew 

what you had to do, and began,
though the voices around you
kept shouting
their bad advice—
though the whole house
began to tremble
and you felt the old tug
at your ankles.
"Mend my life!"
each voice cried.
But you didn't stop.
You knew what you had to do,
though the wind pried
with its stiff fingers
at the very foundations,
though their melancholy
was terrible.
It was already late
enough, and a wild night,
and the road full of fallen
branches and stones.
But little by little,
as you left their voices behind,
the stars began to burn
through the sheets of clouds,
and there was a new voice
which you slowly
recognized as your own,
that kept you company
as you strode deeper and deeper
into the world
determined to do
the only thing you could do—
determined to save
the only life you could save.   

~Mary Oliver

These last couple weeks have been filled with so much joy and heartbreak.  Some deep feelings have come up lately that I long thought I buried.  Working through some deep shit here, and asking for all your love and good thoughts as I wade through it.  Feeling a little lost, and as always when that happens I find myself burying my nose in Mary Oliver poems.  Deep, dark truth she spills.  Her words healing and ripping me open all at once.  I know the light is there at the end of the tunnel, and I know I will find it.  But for right now, all I have are tears and a constant lump in my throat.   Broken, wide open.

Perspective

The last couple of days have been so crazy, haven't they?  If you follow me on Instagram or Facebook, you know we had a little incident involving our car yesterday.  A freak thing.  My husband took my car to work and parked it in the parking lot like usual.  About midday, someone came in to say a car had burst into flames in the parking lot.  Mine happened to be parked right next to it.   This is what happened:

After I got the text from my husband, I was instantly angry that we would have to deal with insurance, repairs, the whole thing.  Then I almost instantly felt insanely guilty that I felt so upset about something so trivial.   Everyone was safe, no one was injured.  It is just a silly car.

A shift......perspective.

With everything that is going on around the world everyday, and particularly in Oklahoma this week. Something so small seems like such an insignificant thing to be upset about.  We have to deal with a melted bumper, while people are dealing with losing loved ones, their homes, and possessions.  

A shift......perspective.

I thought I would list some great ways to help out everyone in Oklahoma.  I know money is tight for everyone these days.  But some of these shops have beautiful things that would make great gifts for yourself or someone else, and they are donating proceeds to help OK.  

~ Text "Food" to 32333 for a $10 donation to the food bank or go to http://www.regionalfoodbank.org/ to donate.  

~Text "Redcross" to 90999 to donate $10 to the Red Cross.

Katelyn Of Gypsy Moth Sol is donating 50% of sales in her shop from now through the 28th.  Click here to check out her gorgeous offerings.

The Vintage Pearl is donating 100% of the proceeds from the sale of this love for Oklahoma necklace to the Red Cross.  Click here to check it out.

There is a great article on Huffington Post on different ways to help.  Please click here to read more and find the links to organizations that can use our help.  

Love and blessings to you all. 

Maybe This weight is a gift

Heavy.  That is how I feel.  Weighed down and overwhelmed.  I consider myself to be a person who looks on the bright side or can find good in most situations.  I can usually find the light even from a place of darkness.  But right now, that person is not here.  I am trying to let the things go that feel like they weighing me down, but can't quite put a finger on what they are.   It is such a weird feeling, the nagging feeling that tells you something is off.  I am hoping it will pass just as quick as it came on.  But if this week is any indicator, this feeling might be around for a few days.   

.....Deep breaths, remembering how much there is to be thankful for.   Gratitudes. 

These words by Max Ehrmann are ones I always keep close and help me to get through these times when I am feeling less than myself. 

Desiderata 

Go placidly amid the noise and haste,
and remember what peace there may be in silence.
As far as possible without surrender
be on good terms with all persons.
Speak your truth quietly and clearly;
and listen to others,
even the dull and the ignorant;
they too have their story. Avoid loud and aggressive persons,
they are vexations to the spirit.
If you compare yourself with others,
you may become vain and bitter;
for always there will be greater and lesser persons than yourself.
Enjoy your achievements as well as your plans. 
Keep interested in your own career, however humble;
it is a real possession in the changing fortunes of time.
Exercise caution in your business affairs;
for the world is full of trickery.
But let this not blind you to what virtue there is;
many persons strive for high ideals;
and everywhere life is full of heroism. 
Be yourself.
Especially, do not feign affection.
Neither be cynical about love;
for in the face of all aridity and disenchantment
it is as perennial as the grass. 
Take kindly the counsel of the years,
gracefully surrendering the things of youth.
Nurture strength of spirit to shield you in sudden misfortune.
But do not distress yourself with dark imaginings.
Many fears are born of fatigue and loneliness.
Beyond a wholesome discipline,
be gentle with yourself. 
You are a child of the universe,
no less than the trees and the stars;
you have a right to be here.
And whether or not it is clear to you,
no doubt the universe is unfolding as it should. 
Therefore be at peace with God,
whatever you conceive Him to be,
and whatever your labors and aspirations,
in the noisy confusion of life keep peace with your soul. 
With all its sham, drudgery, and broken dreams,
it is still a beautiful world.
Be cheerful.
Strive to be happy. 


-Max Ehrmann

{be gentle with yourself. }







{You are a child of the universe,}












{no less than the trees and the stars;}

For now I will try to remember this, and breathe through it.

Boston

I had a much happier post that I was going to put up today, but then events in Boston yesterday left me feeling like I needed to say something.  I know we all feel it, the sadness that comes when people attack humanity with their hatred.  I tend to carry it around with me for a long while after a horrific event like this happens.  Nightmares, tears, a heavy heart.  I feel it in every inch of my body and it makes me doubt the love that I know outweighs the hate in this world.  Events like this no matter on what scale leave me shaken to my core. 

 We had a dear family of loved ones who were there yesterday, one was running in the marathon and the rest of the family was cheering him on the sidelines.  When this all happened I immediately called and texted to check on their safety.  We didn't hear anything back for two hours and during that time both my husband I were worried sick about them. Scanning the news and web for images of them hoping that we would see them and that they were safe.   We finally heard that they were ok, and had made it to the airport and were on their way back to California.   A huge sigh of relief, but still that hole is there for everyone else who wasn't as fortunate as they were.  Then I came across this post by Patton Oswalt on Facebook. 

Boston. Fucking horrible.

I remember, when 9/11 went down, my reaction was, "Well, I've had it with humanity."

But I was wrong. I don't know what's going to be revealed to be behind all of this mayhem. One human insect or a poisonous mass of broken sociopaths.

But here's what I DO know. If it's one person or a HUNDRED people, that number is not even a fraction of a fraction of a fraction of a percent of the population on this planet. You watch the videos of the carnage and there are people running TOWARDS the destruction to help out. (Thanks FAKE Gallery founder and owner Paul Kozlowski for pointing this out to me). This is a giant planet and we're lucky to live on it but there are prices and penalties incurred for the daily miracle of existence. One of them is, every once in awhile, the wiring of a tiny sliver of the species gets snarled and they're pointed towards darkness.

But the vast majority stands against that darkness and, like white blood cells attacking a virus, they dilute and weaken and eventually wash away the evil doers and, more importantly, the damage they wreak. This is beyond religion or creed or nation. We would not be here if humanity were inherently evil. We'd have eaten ourselves alive long ago.

So when you spot violence, or bigotry, or intolerance or fear or just garden-variety misogyny, hatred or ignorance, just look it in the eye and think, "The good outnumber you, and we always will."

And you know what he is right, the majority of humanity is inherently good.  People were running to help, not knowing if it was safe or not to help people they have probably never met.  If there is one positive thing that comes out of events like this, it is that people come together and rise up to help each other.  I try to carry that with me when I feel my doubt in humanity crawling in.  

Last night I said a little prayer and lit some sage for everyone, humanity as a whole. I re read the post on Facebook and I am so thankful for it showing up when it did and to Mr. Oswalt for putting those words up for all to read.  I hope people found solace and hope in it as I did. 

"The good outnumber you, and we always will."

On heartbreak and trying to let go

You know to be honest most days the feeling of loss is hidden from even me, but then something happens and it opens right back up without warning.  I don't know where it comes from or what triggers it, but there I am feeling that oh so familiar feeling of hopelessness.  It literally leaves me feeling shattered into a million pieces feeling lost and just so, so broken.  It happened this morning, I woke up and felt it looming.  Maybe it stems from a dream I can't recall from the night before, where the baby I know we are meant to have appears.  Maybe it stemmed from another friend telling me she has another little one on the way.  I never know.  Seven years it has been since the start.  It started being filled with excitement, then as time went on and nothing happened that turned to concern, and finally heartbreak.  The worst part is doctors tell you everything is normal, and they have no answers.   You keep trying, nothing happens.  You always feel like you are at square one, and just when I feel like I have moved on from it and let it go, I wake up feeling like I do today.   On the verge of tears for no reason is just what today will be.  I will try to tell myself that tomorrow will be better, and most likely it will be.  That is until the next time it decides to show up and remind me that there is a hole in my heart.  Letting go is my main focus this year when it comes to our struggles with fertility.  I am trying to let my idea of what this part of my life would be like change into something else, but for today I will let the tears come when they need to.