{She}

Its been awhile again, hasn't it?  There is so much I want to share and so much I need to spill.  Emotionally I am not ready to write about the loss, the pain, the heart wrenching grief of losing my grams.  I will share soon, very soon.  

Today I want to mark an anniversary of sorts.  I am a member of a club I never wanted to be part of, and it has been almost 6 years of loss and longing.  I thought I would share this poem I wrote a few months ago after a very vivid dream I had of a girl who I know was supposed to be ours.  It was one of those dreams that was so real, that when I woke up I could not make sense of where I was.  

She

I close my eyes and drift away...

There she is, waiting. Hands held out....for us.

Blonde curls, wide eyes, freckles like her daddy.

We walk along the sand, her, him, me.

She is ours, we are hers.

Sun glints, sandy feet, shells, laughter.

The perfect day.

No, don't wake.....not yet.

Please keep me here, if only for a few moments.

Then she is gone.

Longing, waiting....

All the tears, loss, blood, hoping.

She may only be made of stardust and dreams...

But she is ours, and we are hers.

Two very beautiful posts from women who are on their own journey of loss:

Sizzle Says..

Secret Rebel Club

A slow return

Hello dear souls.   This space has been very quiet for well over a month now.  As scared as I was to leave this space, it was a much needed break that my soul needed.  I was mostly afraid of the dear souls I have connected with in this space, would never return.  This space was started as a small spot for me to write down my feelings, and happenings, but I have formed some wonderful friendships along the way and I did not want to lose that.  I hope to see you all back here in time.  Thank you for everyones kind words on my last post way back in October, your words always bring me such comfort and Joy.  

The last month and a half have been so busy, but also quiet at just the right times.  I stepped back from a lot of social media, except for my dear Instagram (how I love you so!)

Mercury in retrograde along with familial happenings, left me feeling the need for quiet and space for myself and for my family.  During this time we welcomed a new family member with the birth of my sweet nephew Kaleb.  He is perfect, and squishy and just a ball full of love.  We are all head over heels in love with him. 

As much as I don't want to admit this, his birth is what sent me into a little bit of an emotional tailspin.   Whenever a new baby joins our clan of family and friends, it rips a small hole in my heart.  Not that they are not loved and welcomed beyond measure, because they are.  It just reminds me of the thing my husband and I long for most.    

During this same stretch of time, my beloved grams took a big downturn health-wise.  She has been on a steady decline for the last couple years, but this time I thought for sure we were going to lose her.  My mom moved in with her a couple years ago to help take care of her, but even with her being there and a steady stream of home health workers being there it just wasn't enough to provide her the kind of round the clock care she truly needs.  So with heavy hearts, the family decided to move her into a residential care facility.  It truly is a beautiful place with only four residents, and I love knowing that whenever she wants or needs something, someone is right there to take care of her.  Even though not having her home is heartbreaking.   

This was us a few years back.  She is the best person, with an insane sense of humor and the best laugh.  She taught me to read under a tree, she has seen me through heartbreak and the most wonderful times.  She has shaped me into a strong, independent, kind woman.  Without her I would be a much different person.  If you could take a moment to hold her in your thoughts, it would mean the world to me.  

Whew, that seems like an onslaught of sadness.  But just like everything the tides turn, and the shadows lift, and I start to feel like myself again.  I am here, the world is beautiful, and I am loved everyday.  And just like I know that dark feeling will come back, I know it will pass just as quickly.  I will make it through, just like we all do. 

There has been so much beauty these past few weeks as well, so much:

 Cozy, quiet nights spent at home with my beloved.

Cup after hot cup of tea.  Lindsay of Danmala has opened my eyes to so many new and exciting teas.  Not only different kinds, but new ways to enjoy and celebrate them.

Loads of family time.  I love them all so much.  This picture of my husband and nephew is going to be treasured forever.  

New stones and pendants discovered at a new to me local apothecary shop.  With the most insane, low prices.  This beauty was only $10!!

Lots of breakfasts at our favorite local french bakery, where the tea lattes are the size of my head.

Nights around the fire, one of my most favorite things about Autumn and Winter.

Cozy baby cuddles with baby K.  

 

Nieces and nephews who both turned three, and pinatas!!

An awesomely fun Halloween, and our annual haunted trail.

Connecting deeply with mama earth, and feeling her beauty and wonderment each day.

Sitting under my favorite tree, and finding sanctuary in our backyard.

Park time with our beautiful nieces.

Sunsets and sunrises of the holy variety.  These California skies have been filled with magic lately.  It is awe inspiring. 

This song on repeat from my favorite artist Laura Veirs:

I hope the last few weeks have been kind to you all.  I cannot wait to catch up with all of you in the blog world. xoxo

The Journey

The Journey

 One day you finally knew 

what you had to do, and began,
though the voices around you
kept shouting
their bad advice—
though the whole house
began to tremble
and you felt the old tug
at your ankles.
"Mend my life!"
each voice cried.
But you didn't stop.
You knew what you had to do,
though the wind pried
with its stiff fingers
at the very foundations,
though their melancholy
was terrible.
It was already late
enough, and a wild night,
and the road full of fallen
branches and stones.
But little by little,
as you left their voices behind,
the stars began to burn
through the sheets of clouds,
and there was a new voice
which you slowly
recognized as your own,
that kept you company
as you strode deeper and deeper
into the world
determined to do
the only thing you could do—
determined to save
the only life you could save.   

~Mary Oliver

These last couple weeks have been filled with so much joy and heartbreak.  Some deep feelings have come up lately that I long thought I buried.  Working through some deep shit here, and asking for all your love and good thoughts as I wade through it.  Feeling a little lost, and as always when that happens I find myself burying my nose in Mary Oliver poems.  Deep, dark truth she spills.  Her words healing and ripping me open all at once.  I know the light is there at the end of the tunnel, and I know I will find it.  But for right now, all I have are tears and a constant lump in my throat.   Broken, wide open.

Today....

Today, is a day I won't forget.  Today, love is slowly starting to win.  Today, tears streamed down my face, and made me hopeful for the world.  I know we have a long way to go, but for today hope is triumphing.

No matter how long it takes, LOVE always wins. 

Source

Source

Love soaked weekend

This past weekend was a good one.   We threw a big BBQ this past Sunday at our house to celebrate some birthdays of loved ones in both our families.  We are so blessed that our families get along so well, and truly love each other.  It has been a wonderful thing to watch a strong friendship grow between my mom and my husbands mom.  

The day was wonderful.  So much yummy food, even yummier company, and the weather was gorgeous.  High 70's with a nice cool breeze.  We couldn't have asked for a better day.  

The most beautiful weather.

The nephew close to watermelon overload

That is my mom jumping in there with my nieces

My hubs is such a good uncle, he is going to make the best dad someday.

A early evening stop at the ice cream truck. 

A perfect end to a great day, watching the moonrise through our bedroom window.

Truly a love soaked, happy day.  Even though we were both exhausted that night.  Yesterday we spent the day lounging at home in our PJ's all day, which we never get to do.  It felt so good to be lazy and just relax.   I also was so proud of myself, because I told myself I wasn't going to log into Facebook all weekend, and I stuck to that.  Three days, and I didn't even miss it.  Not once.  When I logged in this morning I had 153 notifications.  Ugh. 

I hope you all had a beautiful weekend as well.  Tomorrow I will be back with a how to post on how to make your own elderberry-honey syrup. 

Maybe This weight is a gift

Heavy.  That is how I feel.  Weighed down and overwhelmed.  I consider myself to be a person who looks on the bright side or can find good in most situations.  I can usually find the light even from a place of darkness.  But right now, that person is not here.  I am trying to let the things go that feel like they weighing me down, but can't quite put a finger on what they are.   It is such a weird feeling, the nagging feeling that tells you something is off.  I am hoping it will pass just as quick as it came on.  But if this week is any indicator, this feeling might be around for a few days.   

.....Deep breaths, remembering how much there is to be thankful for.   Gratitudes. 

These words by Max Ehrmann are ones I always keep close and help me to get through these times when I am feeling less than myself. 

Desiderata 

Go placidly amid the noise and haste,
and remember what peace there may be in silence.
As far as possible without surrender
be on good terms with all persons.
Speak your truth quietly and clearly;
and listen to others,
even the dull and the ignorant;
they too have their story. Avoid loud and aggressive persons,
they are vexations to the spirit.
If you compare yourself with others,
you may become vain and bitter;
for always there will be greater and lesser persons than yourself.
Enjoy your achievements as well as your plans. 
Keep interested in your own career, however humble;
it is a real possession in the changing fortunes of time.
Exercise caution in your business affairs;
for the world is full of trickery.
But let this not blind you to what virtue there is;
many persons strive for high ideals;
and everywhere life is full of heroism. 
Be yourself.
Especially, do not feign affection.
Neither be cynical about love;
for in the face of all aridity and disenchantment
it is as perennial as the grass. 
Take kindly the counsel of the years,
gracefully surrendering the things of youth.
Nurture strength of spirit to shield you in sudden misfortune.
But do not distress yourself with dark imaginings.
Many fears are born of fatigue and loneliness.
Beyond a wholesome discipline,
be gentle with yourself. 
You are a child of the universe,
no less than the trees and the stars;
you have a right to be here.
And whether or not it is clear to you,
no doubt the universe is unfolding as it should. 
Therefore be at peace with God,
whatever you conceive Him to be,
and whatever your labors and aspirations,
in the noisy confusion of life keep peace with your soul. 
With all its sham, drudgery, and broken dreams,
it is still a beautiful world.
Be cheerful.
Strive to be happy. 


-Max Ehrmann

{be gentle with yourself. }







{You are a child of the universe,}












{no less than the trees and the stars;}

For now I will try to remember this, and breathe through it.

A circle of Women

I pinned this image a long time ago to one of my boards, and it keeps coming back to me.  I love it and every time it comes back to me, I think HELL YES!  I am so lucky to be surrounded by a beautiful tribe of ladies who I love with every fiber of my being. They are my soul sisters.   I was thinking though, how many beautiful souls that are out there that I am connected to even though we have never met.  All the amazing women I have met through blogging or the Apothecary Circle.  These amazing women  hold me up and encourage me even they probably don't know they are.  Could you imagine how amazing this world would be if all the women helped each other instead of the pettiness, jealousy, and backstabbing we all so often see?  I don't know if it is just me, but lately it feels like the world is finding a new sense of kindness when it comes to groups of women.   I hope to hell this is a trend that is really going to start showing itself more.  I am telling you, we would be a force to be reckoned with!

A story about a boy..

A boy who was born with reddish hair, and freckles on this day 37 years ago.   A boy who I met when I was 15, and he was 17.

A boy who gives himself to others freely, and puts others happiness before his own. 

A boy who makes everyone around him feel special and can make you laugh harder than anyone else. 

A boy who changed my life in the best way possible, and makes the world a better place just by being in it.  

Happy 37th (!!) birthday my love, thank you for being you.  The sun shines a little brighter with you in the world.