Hello dear souls. This space has been very quiet for well over a month now. As scared as I was to leave this space, it was a much needed break that my soul needed. I was mostly afraid of the dear souls I have connected with in this space, would never return. This space was started as a small spot for me to write down my feelings, and happenings, but I have formed some wonderful friendships along the way and I did not want to lose that. I hope to see you all back here in time. Thank you for everyones kind words on my last post way back in October, your words always bring me such comfort and Joy.
The last month and a half have been so busy, but also quiet at just the right times. I stepped back from a lot of social media, except for my dear Instagram (how I love you so!)
Mercury in retrograde along with familial happenings, left me feeling the need for quiet and space for myself and for my family. During this time we welcomed a new family member with the birth of my sweet nephew Kaleb. He is perfect, and squishy and just a ball full of love. We are all head over heels in love with him.
As much as I don't want to admit this, his birth is what sent me into a little bit of an emotional tailspin. Whenever a new baby joins our clan of family and friends, it rips a small hole in my heart. Not that they are not loved and welcomed beyond measure, because they are. It just reminds me of the thing my husband and I long for most. For a couple of weeks after his birth, I just felt so sad and was crying at the drop of a hat. Also during this time, we were trying a new fertility drug that was making me feel like a crazy person, in every way possible. It was a terrible experience, which left us no closer to having a baby and even more financially strapped then we were before. A few months back I told my doctor that I didn't want to try anything else, and I am sad I let her convince me to try this one last thing. I am so thankful we have health insurance, but fertility treatments of any kind are not covered at all. Everything we have tried over the last seven years have been paid out of pocket by us, and that is one of the main reasons we decided not to try anything else in the treatment department. Besides being a financial burden, these drugs take the biggest emotional toll on me. I just didn't want to do it at all anymore, and I let me doctor twist my arm with that slight glimmer of hope. Never again, I am done with all of it.
During this same stretch of time, my beloved grams took a big downturn health-wise. She has been on a steady decline for the last couple years, but this time I thought for sure we were going to lose her. My mom moved in with her a couple years ago to help take care of her, but even with her being there and a steady stream of home health workers being there it just wasn't enough to provide her the kind of round the clock care she truly needs. So with heavy hearts, the family decided to move her into a residential care facility. It truly is a beautiful place with only four residents, and I love knowing that whenever she wants or needs something, someone is right there to take care of her. Even though not having her home is heartbreaking.
This was us a few years back. She is the best person, with an insane sense of humor and the best laugh. She taught me to read under a tree, she has seen me through heartbreak and the most wonderful times. She has shaped me into a strong, independent, kind woman. Without her I would be a much different person. If you could take a moment to hold her in your thoughts, it would mean the world to me.
Whew, that seems like an onslaught of sadness. But just like everything the tides turn, and the shadows lift, and I start to feel like myself again. I am here, the world is beautiful, and I am loved everyday. And just like I know that dark feeling will come back, I know it will pass just as quickly. I will make it through, just like we all do.
There has been so much beauty these past few weeks as well, so much:
Cozy, quiet nights spent at home with my beloved.
Cup after hot cup of tea. Lindsay of Danmala has opened my eyes to so many new and exciting teas. Not only different kinds, but new ways to enjoy and celebrate them.
Loads of family time. I love them all so much. This picture of my husband and nephew is going to be treasured forever.
New stones and pendants discovered at a new to me local apothecary shop. With the most insane, low prices. This beauty was only $10!!
Lots of breakfasts at our favorite local french bakery, where the tea lattes are the size of my head.
Nights around the fire, one of my most favorite things about Autumn and Winter.
Cozy baby cuddles with baby K.
Nieces and nephews who both turned three, and pinatas!!
An awesomely fun Halloween, and our annual haunted trail.
Connecting deeply with mama earth, and feeling her beauty and wonderment each day.
Sitting under my favorite tree, and finding sanctuary in our backyard.
Park time with our beautiful nieces.
Sunsets and sunrises of the holy variety. These California skies have been filled with magic lately. It is awe inspiring.
This song on repeat from my favorite artist Laura Veirs:
I hope the last few weeks have been kind to you all. I cannot wait to catch up with all of you in the blog world. xoxo