You know to be honest most days the feeling of loss is hidden from even me, but then something happens and it opens right back up without warning. I don't know where it comes from or what triggers it, but there I am feeling that oh so familiar feeling of hopelessness. It literally leaves me feeling shattered into a million pieces feeling lost and just so, so broken. It happened this morning, I woke up and felt it looming. Maybe it stems from a dream I can't recall from the night before, where the baby I know we are meant to have appears. Maybe it stemmed from another friend telling me she has another little one on the way. I never know. Seven years it has been since the start. It started being filled with excitement, then as time went on and nothing happened that turned to concern, and finally heartbreak. The worst part is doctors tell you everything is normal, and they have no answers. You keep trying, nothing happens. You always feel like you are at square one, and just when I feel like I have moved on from it and let it go, I wake up feeling like I do today. On the verge of tears for no reason is just what today will be. I will try to tell myself that tomorrow will be better, and most likely it will be. That is until the next time it decides to show up and remind me that there is a hole in my heart. Letting go is my main focus this year when it comes to our struggles with fertility. I am trying to let my idea of what this part of my life would be like change into something else, but for today I will let the tears come when they need to.
So much love to you, dear one. I do not want to offer advice or suggestions, just love. Here for you to chat if you need/want.
ReplyDeleteI'm sending love and light to you Hollie.
ReplyDeletemuch love to you beautiful lady, always here if you need to chat xox
ReplyDeletelove and hugs to you my darling
ReplyDeletexoxoxoxoxoxox
My dear soul sister, first let me tell you that I think you are incredibly brave to share your story with the world. Yes, you may have days like today when the hole in your heart feels a little deeper and darker, but you are most certainly one of the strongest women I know. I am ALWAYS here for you, whether you want to cry it out or drink some bourbon and tea. Love you!
ReplyDeleteHeartbreaking story.. thanks for sharing. Love your blog! Newest follower! :)
ReplyDeleteThank you ladies so much. Today is a new, much happier day. Letting go slowly but surely.
ReplyDeleteOh, Hollie. I have been where you are. I will be 40 this year and I still harbor a vague hope that maybe...maybe...something will happen, one of these months. There is time yet. I will probably hope, just a little, until there is not.
ReplyDeleteI want to tell you, though: I used to have a dream about the baby I knew we were meant to have. I would be going about my business, and somehow there would be a baby there. She was mine, this I knew, but I didn't know where she'd come from.
Our daughter came to us one day with very little warning. And our son, fourteen months later, with no warning at all.
There is always hope. And that Joseph Campbell quotation...there is so much of that in what we have to do, dealing with infertility. But also...sometimes you just have to cry, because the life you had planned seemed so much clearer than the one that is waiting for you is when it's still only partly formed.
I'm glad to hear you are having a happier day today. Much love and light to you, and warm wishes for good things. xo
Meghann,
DeleteThank you for this. It is so hard, and sometimes I wish I could just talk to someone who has gone through the same struggles as we have. It is a tricky thing to talk about with people who haven't been through it. Thank you for your kind words and thoughts, so much. xo