The Journey

The Journey

 One day you finally knew 

what you had to do, and began,
though the voices around you
kept shouting
their bad advice—
though the whole house
began to tremble
and you felt the old tug
at your ankles.
"Mend my life!"
each voice cried.
But you didn't stop.
You knew what you had to do,
though the wind pried
with its stiff fingers
at the very foundations,
though their melancholy
was terrible.
It was already late
enough, and a wild night,
and the road full of fallen
branches and stones.
But little by little,
as you left their voices behind,
the stars began to burn
through the sheets of clouds,
and there was a new voice
which you slowly
recognized as your own,
that kept you company
as you strode deeper and deeper
into the world
determined to do
the only thing you could do—
determined to save
the only life you could save.   

~Mary Oliver

These last couple weeks have been filled with so much joy and heartbreak.  Some deep feelings have come up lately that I long thought I buried.  Working through some deep shit here, and asking for all your love and good thoughts as I wade through it.  Feeling a little lost, and as always when that happens I find myself burying my nose in Mary Oliver poems.  Deep, dark truth she spills.  Her words healing and ripping me open all at once.  I know the light is there at the end of the tunnel, and I know I will find it.  But for right now, all I have are tears and a constant lump in my throat.   Broken, wide open.

The proverbial fan....

The shit has it it.  Over the last few days I have watched something I truly love fall apart.  I've had a front row seat to its demise.  My stomach has felt like I am carrying around bricks.  My heart is heavy with sadness and a deep feeling of loss.  The truth could not be covered up anymore, and a small crack led to a earthquake of epic proportions.  Now that everything is wide open and the light has been shown, there is no turning back.  

This may be only an online group or class to some, but to me it was a place of solace and sisterhood.   A true place to ask and talk about the hard questions.

I will mourn this loss for some time.  I will take solace in the love, and deep connections I have made.  I know some of those will be lifelong, and for that I will be forever grateful.

The one lesson I have learned through this is...trust your gut.  ALWAYS.  When something does not sit with you do not keep pushing it away.  Let it out, shout it if you have to.

Today....

Today, is a day I won't forget.  Today, love is slowly starting to win.  Today, tears streamed down my face, and made me hopeful for the world.  I know we have a long way to go, but for today hope is triumphing.

No matter how long it takes, LOVE always wins. 

Source

Source

Boston

I had a much happier post that I was going to put up today, but then events in Boston yesterday left me feeling like I needed to say something.  I know we all feel it, the sadness that comes when people attack humanity with their hatred.  I tend to carry it around with me for a long while after a horrific event like this happens.  Nightmares, tears, a heavy heart.  I feel it in every inch of my body and it makes me doubt the love that I know outweighs the hate in this world.  Events like this no matter on what scale leave me shaken to my core. 

 We had a dear family of loved ones who were there yesterday, one was running in the marathon and the rest of the family was cheering him on the sidelines.  When this all happened I immediately called and texted to check on their safety.  We didn't hear anything back for two hours and during that time both my husband I were worried sick about them. Scanning the news and web for images of them hoping that we would see them and that they were safe.   We finally heard that they were ok, and had made it to the airport and were on their way back to California.   A huge sigh of relief, but still that hole is there for everyone else who wasn't as fortunate as they were.  Then I came across this post by Patton Oswalt on Facebook. 

Boston. Fucking horrible.

I remember, when 9/11 went down, my reaction was, "Well, I've had it with humanity."

But I was wrong. I don't know what's going to be revealed to be behind all of this mayhem. One human insect or a poisonous mass of broken sociopaths.

But here's what I DO know. If it's one person or a HUNDRED people, that number is not even a fraction of a fraction of a fraction of a percent of the population on this planet. You watch the videos of the carnage and there are people running TOWARDS the destruction to help out. (Thanks FAKE Gallery founder and owner Paul Kozlowski for pointing this out to me). This is a giant planet and we're lucky to live on it but there are prices and penalties incurred for the daily miracle of existence. One of them is, every once in awhile, the wiring of a tiny sliver of the species gets snarled and they're pointed towards darkness.

But the vast majority stands against that darkness and, like white blood cells attacking a virus, they dilute and weaken and eventually wash away the evil doers and, more importantly, the damage they wreak. This is beyond religion or creed or nation. We would not be here if humanity were inherently evil. We'd have eaten ourselves alive long ago.

So when you spot violence, or bigotry, or intolerance or fear or just garden-variety misogyny, hatred or ignorance, just look it in the eye and think, "The good outnumber you, and we always will."

And you know what he is right, the majority of humanity is inherently good.  People were running to help, not knowing if it was safe or not to help people they have probably never met.  If there is one positive thing that comes out of events like this, it is that people come together and rise up to help each other.  I try to carry that with me when I feel my doubt in humanity crawling in.  

Last night I said a little prayer and lit some sage for everyone, humanity as a whole. I re read the post on Facebook and I am so thankful for it showing up when it did and to Mr. Oswalt for putting those words up for all to read.  I hope people found solace and hope in it as I did. 

"The good outnumber you, and we always will."

A circle of Women

I pinned this image a long time ago to one of my boards, and it keeps coming back to me.  I love it and every time it comes back to me, I think HELL YES!  I am so lucky to be surrounded by a beautiful tribe of ladies who I love with every fiber of my being. They are my soul sisters.   I was thinking though, how many beautiful souls that are out there that I am connected to even though we have never met.  All the amazing women I have met through blogging or the Apothecary Circle.  These amazing women  hold me up and encourage me even they probably don't know they are.  Could you imagine how amazing this world would be if all the women helped each other instead of the pettiness, jealousy, and backstabbing we all so often see?  I don't know if it is just me, but lately it feels like the world is finding a new sense of kindness when it comes to groups of women.   I hope to hell this is a trend that is really going to start showing itself more.  I am telling you, we would be a force to be reckoned with!

The world offers itself to your imagination

Photo taken by me

“You do not have to be good.

You do not have to walk on your knees
for a hundred miles through the desert, repenting.
You only have to let the soft animal of your body
love what it loves.
Tell me about despair, yours, and I will tell you mine.
Meanwhile the world goes on.
Meanwhile the sun and the clear pebbles of the rain
are moving across the landscapes,
over the prairies and the deep trees,
the mountains and the rivers.
Meanwhile the wild geese, high in the clean blue air,
are heading home again.
Whoever you are, no matter how lonely,
the world offers itself to your imagination,
call to you like the wild geese, harsh and exciting –
over and over announcing your place
in the family of things.”
― Mary Oliver